Let’s get real—erectile dysfunction (ED) isn’t just for silver foxes or guys past their prime. We’ve seen it firsthand with men as young as 22. And not just once or twice. It happens a lot, especially in high-pressure lifestyle settings like group play, threesomes, or swinger parties. We hear it all the time:
“This has never happened before…”
But trust us, it has. To more guys than you’d think. They just don’t talk about it. ED isn’t always about biology – it’s often psychological. If you’re new to a group play setting with more than one dick in the room, your body might short-circuit into fight-or-flight mode. Your brain doesn’t think, “Yay, sex!” It thinks, “Why is there another alpha male here? Should I be on defense?” The result? Your body pumps the brakes, hard – and not in a good way. All this and more in our most recent episode of the Vanilla Swingers podcast.
When It Happens: The Fallout
Let’s not sugarcoat it—when ED hits during a steamy scene, it can feel devastating for the guy. We’ve had gorgeous, respectful, well-endowed kings disappear after one bad night because the shame hit too hard.
In his mind, losing the boner = losing his man card. Because for many men, their ability to stay hard is the symbol of masculinity. So when it falters? It’s not just a mood killer—it can wreck their confidence, stir up anxiety, and make them swear off group play forever.
But we’re here to say: there’s hope, there’s help, and you’re not broken. So let’s break this down, shall we?
“I had ED at the sex club because I had to be both the security guard for my GF and her main squeeze. It wasn’t relaxing at all.”
Immediate Fixes: What to Do In the Moment
🍆 Don’t Panic – Freaking out makes it worse. Breathe. Sip some water. Reset. You’re still hot.
🍆 Focus on Your Own Pleasure – Stop performing. Start feeling. Be selfish for a sec. Your body needs to feel safe and turned on.
🍆 Shift the Vibes – If 1:1 is making you spiral, get your partner back in the mix. Group energy can help take the pressure off.
🍆 Use Your Words – A quick “ugh, I’ve been stressed AF this week” goes a long way. It’s relatable and takes the edge off.
“I play best when it’s all-group. 1:1 makes me overthink, like I’m being judged.”
Mindset Shifts & Practical Solutions
🥒 Hard = Optional – You don’t need an erection to be fun and sexy:
Go down on your partner (A+ move).
Play with toys.
Use your hands, lips, and hot eye contact.
Be the sensual king that you are.
🥒 Cock Ring to the Rescue – If you can’t keep it, this lil circle of support might help.
🥒 Switch Positions – Sometimes a new angle or slowing it wayyy down makes a huge difference.
🥒 Condom Confidence – If rubber kills your vibe, start practicing at home. Jerk off with a condom so your body stops being like “WTF is this texture?”
“On the Bliss cruise, I didn’t drink at all because I was so scared of not being able to get it up.”
Long-Term Fixes: Setting Yourself Up for Success
🍌 Stress Less, Play More – If work is wrecking your mojo, leave your inbox out of the bedroom.
🍌 Get Your Zzzs – Sleepy dick is real. Nap like your sex life depends on it.
🍌 Ease Up on Booze & Drugs – A little buzz is fun. A lot? Floppy town.
🍌 Save It Up – A few days off the D can make the comeback tour stronger.
🍌Hype Yourself – Sexy playlist, nice cologne, good vibes. Feel good = perform better.
🍌Choose Wisely – If the chemistry isn’t there, your body knows. Don’t force it.
MFM Threesomes
Medical Options: There’s No Shame in the Pill Game
💊 Cialis Routine – Take 5mg on an empty stomach 3-4 hours before play. Some do another 5mg right before.
💊 Viagra – Best taken 1 hour before the action.
💊 Important Note – These meds only assist a functioning libido. They won’t turn you on—just help keep things going once you are.
If you’re experiencing recurring issues, see a doctor. There could be an underlying issue—and there are solutions.
“I take Cialis as an insurance policy now. Most times I don’t need it—but mentally, it helps.”
Advice for Partners
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🍑 Don’t Take It Personally – It’s not you. It’s the pressure.
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🍑 Reassure Him – A soft dick doesn’t need a side of shame. Be sweet.
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🍑 Create a No-Pressure Vibe – This ain’t an exam. Keep it light and flirty.
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🍑 Encourage Other Play – Oral? Toys? Watching others? Yesss.
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🍑 Skip the Eye Roll – One dramatic sigh and he’s done for the night.
Final Word: Let’s Normalize It
If you’ve dealt with ED, welcome to the club. It’s not your fault. You’re not broken. And you’re definitely not alone.This isn’t about shame – it’s about learning how to work with your body, not against it.
And let’s be real – EVERY.SINGLE.SWINGER will experience this at some point. If you’re anything like Kat and Leo, constantly luring unsuspecting (young, hot, eager) men into your bedroom for their first-ever threesome… you’ll witness the performance pressure strike fast and hard—or, well… not so hard. 😅
Know this – it will happen. Until your body gets used to group sex, new dynamics, and extra eyes in the room, it’s totally normal to short-circuit. Biologically, we’re wired to get it on in a cozy, safe, private cave – not surrounded by moaning strangers and disco lights. So give your body a break.
Find all of this and more on this episode of our top-rated swingers podcast for new couples to the lifestyle, the Vanilla Swingers podcast!
Naughty Links and Extras! (Fun, Irreverent, and Maybe Passably Useful)
Swinger Lingo (check Swinger Dictionary for more!)
Alpha male: The king of the jungle, strutting his stuff with confidence and charisma, leaving hearts racing in his wake. In swinging, this is a dominant, assertive male who exhibits leadership qualities and commands respect within social or sexual dynamics.
Cialis: The little blue pill that turns your bedroom into a playground, because sometimes, you need a little extra oomph in your romp. This medication is known for its ability to enhance erectile function, offering a helping hand in the pursuit of sexual satisfaction and performance.
Compersion: The ultimate feel-good vibe in the world of non-monogamy, where seeing your partner’s pleasure brings a smile to your face and a flutter to your heart.
Performance anxiety: The nerves that come with the territory, turning even the steamiest encounters into a high-pressure performance for the male partner. This psychological pressure or fear of underperforming in sexual situations can lead to feelings of stress, self-doubt, or discomfort, which can impact sexual performance and enjoyment.
Team sport: A metaphor often used within the swinging community to describe the collaborative and cooperative nature of group sexual activities between partners, where participants work together to enhance pleasure and satisfaction for all involved, often a key component to a successful swinging relationship.
Trimix: The secret sauce for an unforgettable performance, ensuring that when the lights go down, you’re ready to rise to the occasion. This medication is used to treat erectile dysfunction, containing a combination of three different drugs (usually alprostadil, papaverine, and phentolamine) administered via injection into the penis.
Viagra: The magic blue pill that knows no age discrimation will turn every night into a marathon of pleasure, ensuring that when it comes to passion, you’re always ready for round two. This medication commonly treats erectile dysfunction by increasing blood flow to the penis, enabling individuals to achieve and maintain erections suitable for sexual activity.